The Big Ethical Questions: BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

BY SANDY BOTTOMS ON CULTURE

All across the globe, the conversation is the same. We're cash-strapped, and our assets have depreciated in value. So there is only one thing to do: burn the house down. The American Dream is giving rise to something darker, something that will create a quicker return. It's the American Scheme.

Think of what you could do when that inmsurance check rolls in. You could buy a new house, or you could free yourself from such fetters. Society is giving you mixed signals. The American Dream used to be all about getting established, settling down, getting a house, improving the neighborhood, getting a car, then two cars, and so on. But we have cast aside that dream; the dream was just an illusion. What seems more feasible now is the American Scheme.

The American Scheme will get you where you want to go. Without a house, you could buy a camper and travel the country. Burn your old van and collect enough from the insurance to lease a hybrid. All across this great land, people are joking about it. "I could sink the money into fixing my roof," you're saying. "Or I could just burn the son of a bitch to the ground."
 

A friend of mine accidentally discovered his own American Scheme when he burned his garage down. It was July 4th. Holidays are when most of these accidents occur. He was charcoal grilling, and drinking a bit, and suddenly a phone call comes. His friend is having a going-away party, and everyone is invited. So my homeowner friend decided to scrap his barbecue and go.

He spread the coals apart so they would fizzle out. He closed up the grill and put the cap on tight. He wheeled it into his garage and put it next to the big bags of dead, dry leaves. What could go wrong?

By the time he got back to his house, he saw that half his garage had burned up. The grill was close enough to the leaves to heat them up and the resulting fire destroyed a wall. He collected enough to fix his garage, and put a new roof on his house at the same time. He had two skilled friends do the job, and saved a bundle. Brilliant!

There are big risks to burning your own property down. There is a safety issue, not to mention the environmental damage caused by burning all the contents. The biggest risk is that you will be caught, of course. Everyone in the world could be carrying a camera phone, and if you are caught lighting your car on fire, you will have a lot of explaining to do.

If you get away with it, then you will have to be careful how you spend that money. The insurance company does not want to give you their money, so they could track it very easily and find you years later, living the life of Riley, and sock you away for a while. You really don't want to mess with a corporation and their money.

Then again, your house and your car are not serving much of a purpose in their current state. A house that sits empty or in disrepair is an eyesore and a nuisance. It drives down the propert values around it. And a car sitting idle is just a rotting hulk of toxic materials. So when the time is right, you could have them destroyed or stolen. You could pay a professional to do it. Then you will have a stimulus check in your hand, and you will be putting a lot of money into this dead economy. You, the confident consumer, are the one thing keeping the economy rolling.

Arson and fraud are illegal. And when something is illegal, we perhaps don't need to debate whether or not it is ethical. The laws exist for a reason, otherwise we would be rampantly burning and destroying for fun and profit.

I talked yesterday with a man who accidentally burned down a large business building when he was 12. He and some friends were lighting firecrackers in the basement, and while they thought they had the kind that exploded, they actually had the kind that shoot colorful showers of sparks. Nearby, some storage boxes caught fire. They were caught by security, but in a momentary lapse of judgment, the security guard ran from the fire instead of trying to stop it before it grew. What started as a small box of fire turned into a 9-story towering inferno.

This was a happy accident, however. The corporation that owned the building was going bankrupt anyhow, and this one building was part of a regional chain that would be belly-up in a few months. The fire expedited the collapse of the company, but collecting the insurance helped alleviate the strain. When a thing burns down, it is horrible and terrifying. But somehow, it creates a peculiar sense of balance. It is a clear, decisive moment, and everything is triggered and changed by such an event. A small fire can spread.

So consider your options. Will you continue to dream the American Dream of our Fathers, or will we change directions and find the American Scheme of our wild older brothers?