Unfaithul Spouses

I hesitate to make any definitive suggestions in this matter. As ethicists, we are probably not qualified to enter into people's personal relationships. Please take this response as an opinion based on ethics, nothing more.

I believe that the wife has a right to know who she is marrying. And the husband ought to tell her. I would recommend that you perhaps start by suggesting he talk to his wife, and come clean with her. But then again, this is not a suggestion. It is merely what I would imagine would be the best scenario. If he handled this situation honestly, he could really save everyone some trouble. He could protect you from being involved, and he could take responsibility for his actions in this matter. He could responsibly sever ties with his wife and begin fresh with you. But breaking up is hard to do. These things are very, very messy.

The problem with you telling her the truth is that it hurts her, and destroys her life. She is still innocent in this matter. And if you tell her, they still may decide to stay together and try to work through it, and then you wind up losing the new man you love, and his wife loses too. And you may become the target of a lot of rage from her, from him, and from their community. When a marriage breaks up, it tends to affect many, many people. From an ethics perspective, you may want to consider the level of fallout from such an event. You could blow a whistle on him. But what happens then?

What has he promised you? Did you and he come to terms as to what would happen once the house sold? You and he may have had different expectations for where the relationship was headed.

You have every right to be extremely angry. And you have it in your power to change his marriage. But before you do anything, you may want to consider the outcomes, and measure that against your own desires. What is it that you want? And is it worth the pain and suffering? Will you get what you want out of this situation? Telling the wife won't get you any closer to him.

A few weeks back we talked about redesigning marriage altogether. Perhaps clauses should be built in to nuptial agreements allowing for certain conditions in extramarital affairs. And term limits for marriages. Should couples allow their marriage to expire every five years, then renew it? Are we really all meant to mate for life? Are traditional marriages obsolete in a modern world?

One issue is assets. When a man loves a woman AND a house AND a car and so on, the split is hard to manage. Without such large shared assets, married people could retain more freedom and individuality. You mention that he was staying with his wife to negotiate the sale of the house. On one hand, the house is irrelevant; he may have just said this to buy himself more time. On the other hand, consider the time and money that goes into a house. He may not be willing to throw away his assets for any relationship. It is a shallow way of looking at it, but it is another roadblock to your happiness with him.

Your relationship with this man may have already hit its peak and run its course. He has made a decision not to tell his wife. And you might not want to wait around for him to grow up and take responsibility for his relationships. You may want to back out of this situation now, before it gets any uglier.

Again, this is just an opinion, and we wish you all the best. Our ethical training helps us look at situations and measure possible outcomes. We know you are hurting, and the situation is very unfair. This man has been very unfair, and in my opinion, he has lied to you. You may want to cut your losses and walk away from it now, just to protect yourself from getting hurt again.

Barcode 2x, Civic Ethicist

As I see it, if it's an ethical question it's not so much about 'does she have the right to know what kind of man she is maddied to'.  Of course she does. But from your perspective, the question is more, 'Do you have the right to be the one who tells her?'

If you tell her, then her response and the consequences of her knowledge are weighted in a particular way. She is not just dealing with the knowledge, she is dealing with the emotional stress that comes from the way she found out.  My sense is that the only person who might have the right to give her this information, other than her husband, would be a person, maybe a family member, who loved her and was able to tell her supportively and non-judgmentally - and be there for her to help her through the aftermath.

It's tough in your position to separate your anger, pain and resentment from your desire to see justice done - for yourself as well as for her. But what does 'justice' mean here? I think that until you know exactly why you are doing a thing like this, it's better not to do it. So if you have to ask the question ('am I just being spiteful?') you may not be in a good position to take that task on.

There's another question here, though. What would make *you* feel empowered here? How do you feel you could regain a sense of peace? You need to do something, to take the power into your own hands, not to rely on this man who is demonstrably unreliable. How can you move forward for yourself? Is 'waiting for him' really how you want to spend your life?

 If I were the wife I'd want to know.  If the only way I could find out was through the mistress, I'd still want to know.  I'm not all that sure it's an act of kindness to keep her ignorant.  Too, she should be checked for STDs.

 I'll take truth over kindness every day of the week.