The Civic Ethicist's Journal: WORKPLACE URINATOR

BY BARCODE 2X, CIVIC ETHICIST

A friend told me a story from work, and I soon realized that it was time to bust out my credentials and step in as a Civic Ethicist. We are still in the midst of figuring out what, exactly, a Civic Ethicist does. But this story helped me understand a little better what my role is in the world. I don't save lives. Or jobs. Not directly, anyhow.

My friend suddenly became my client. Someone has been peeing on the mens' room floor at his workplace. A special meeting was called to alert the male staff to the situation. If they know who it is, they are to alert the management, discreetly, or anonymously if necessary. They can write down the name on a sheet of paper. The urinator will be fired.

My client has no beef with anyone on staff. He has not been at the job long enough to develop any animosity towards his coworkers. This place of business has a reputation for being a great place to work. The atmosphere is positive, and management works hard to be sure that the staff is happy and productive. My client has a possible suspect, but is afraid to speak up.

And so, like on CSI, when they declare "It looks like a homicide", there comes a time when I collect my information and make it official: we have an ethical conundrum on our hands. So I laid out the options for my client. He could do any of the following:

1. Alert the manager as to the suspect.
2. Go vigilante: trail the suspect and try to catch him in the act, then tell the manager.
3. Confront the suspect directly. Tell him to cease urinating on the bathroom floor, or my client will have to tell the manager.
4. Do nothing. Stay out of trouble. If an employee is disgruntled and perverse enough to befoul the workplace, then he may be capable of other acts of vengeance too. This conflict is between the employee and the management. Fellow employees should not risk getting involved.

Option #1 is almost a good idea. But as we say in #4, the suspect could burn the building down in retaliation. Remember Office Space? Don't piss off the wrong guy.

Option #2 is extremely risky. And embarrassing for everyone involved.

Option #3 is also very dicey. What if you are wrong? You have admitted your suspicion to your innocent coworker. You have essentially told him that you do not trust him, and you consider him to be no better than a common urinator. That trust would be forever violated. Without evidence, an accusation is a very serious thing.

Option #4 is cowardly, but safe.

Management cannot install cameras either. It is a bathroom. A hidden camera prevents lots of other on-the-job crimes like theft, or sexual harrassment. But the biggest violation of all would be the violation of privacy.

My ethical analysis is not perfect. Quite often, the solutions are not neat. But finding the least harmful solution to a problem is the name of the game. The urinator himself has plunged the staff into a tough position. He may realize his folly, and cease this vile and illegal behavior. The urinator's ethics are not in question. Public urination is a crime. The urinator is making a powerful statement about the company. The urinator has made his position clear.

It is also possible that this person suffers from a disorder of some kind, and cannot help himself. Not bladder control, but impulse control. Like a kleptomaniac who cannot stop himself from stealing. In my research, I have as yet found no name for this kind of pee-mania. The act of public urination is linked to schizophrenia, but if that were the case, the mentally ill employee would most likely display other signs of the disorder. Other such anti-social behaviors such as inappropriate or disorganized speech, or emotional outbursts, would accompany the urination. The employee who displays such behaviors would be most likely to pee on the floor. The person would have trouble establishing friendships, and might have trouble landing jobs like this in the first place. Mental illness may have to be ruled out. I'm not a doctor. I'm an ethicist.

And this situation bears no concrete connection to what goes on in the world of household dogs or cats. House pets soil carpets and bedding as a means of communication with humans and other animals. This situation appears quite similar, but is quite a bit more advanced and complicated.

John Lennon, Iggy Pop, Jim Morrison, Johnny Rotten and Ozzy Osbourne have urinated publicly as well, but that was done in the name of Rock 'n Roll. And the crowd went wild.

The best I could do was to advise my client to confront the urinator, but only after he has found concrete evidence. Turning him in to management is simply too uncomfortable. No one likes a whistle-blower. In the future, colleagues could view my client with distrust if he became known as a narc. In this case, I advised him to play it a bit closer to the chest, and only speak up when he was absolutely certain. Until another urine-related incident arises, the employees should most likely lay low. The boss may have already solved the problem, by addressing the incident semi-publicly. The urinator need not lose his job. That would have greater impact on the world. His family loses the income, and this job market is so threadbare, that no one can risk going unemployed.

My work here is not done. I plan to follow up with the client in a week's time, and I intend to keep his information confidential. So for now, let's keep this between you and me.